Why Am I So Defensive? 5 Things to Look for When Your Hackles Rise
- Cheryl Balcom
- 7 minutes ago
- 4 min read
Early in our marriage, my husband gently pointed out that I have a bad habit of interrupting people. At first, I was embarrassed, but the more he reminded me, the more annoyed I became. Not with myself for this rude behavior, but with my husband—as if he were at fault for my interrupting!
When I started to pay attention to this issue, however, I saw that he was right. My focus was not on the other person, or even on listening; it was on me. I knew this was a behavior that didn’t honor God.
Rather than humbly admitting this and appreciating that Jim wanted me to be more thoughtful of others, I remained huffy with him while privately reminding myself to “do better”—more to avoid embarrassment than to truly address my behavior. Getting mad at my husband showed that I didn’t want to acknowledge this side of myself.
Do you ever find yourself rising to your own defense, even when what you’re hearing might very well be true? Maybe especially if you know it might be true? What makes us defend ourselves, shift the blame, or try to justify our actions? What can we do not just to change this response, but to want to change it?
What Makes us Defensive?
One of several definitions of defensive, the adjective form of the word defend, is “excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings.”1
We become defensive because, really, who enjoys having their shortcomings exposed? Who likes to admit they are wrong? When we aren’t even aware of our unbecoming behavior or mistake, it hits like a double whammy.
And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. -Hebrews 4:13
Scripture reveals the culprits behind our defensiveness.
Pride (Proverbs 16:18). Defensiveness exposes a pride that is not only unattractive and immature but is rebellious against God’s instruction for us to be humble and to consider others better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3). To those of us who struggle with perfectionism, which can be an outworking of pride, the possibility that a chink in our armor might be revealed is terrifying.
Spiritual blindness. The Bible tells us that our hearts are wicked and deceitful, and we cannot trust them (Jeremiah 17:9). It’s difficult to discern our own errors or see our hidden faults (Psalm 19:12).
To acknowledge and confess our imperfections, we must humble ourselves and be willing to see them. If we don’t, we keep ourselves far from God’s loving, healing grace and his ability to make us more like his Son.
It’s only in the mirror of God’s Word that you see yourself accurately, and only in his grace that you find help for what you see. - Paul David Tripp
5 Things to Look For
The next time someone confronts us with an observation that makes us uncomfortable, rather than letting our hackles rise, let’s look for these five things:
Look for pride. A good place to start is by asking God to remove any pride that may be blinding us. We can pray for a humble heart, confess our pride, and seek God's grace (Proverbs 11:2, 15:32; Jeremiah 17:9).
Look at the source, and give the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people really do criticize us with impure motives. People can be mean, but God is gentle, so give the benefit of the doubt: maybe God is using this person to point out something that he, in his loving kindness, wants us to see and address. With God’s help, we can humbly ask for clarification (and listen without interrupting!) This becomes easier as we remember that it is very possible to be blinded to our own faults (Psalm 36:2; Proverbs 21:2; James 1:19).
Look for the truth. Whether someone's criticism is constructive or not, God’s goal is always to make us more like Christ. Before jumping to our own defense, we can ask God to reveal the truth. When we look in the mirror of God’s Word, the truth of who we are and the sin in us is exposed, and that is a gift, because that means healing can happen (John 8:32, 17:17; Romans 12:2; 2 Timothy 3:16).
Look for an opportunity to repent. Once we acknowledge the truth in the observation or critique, the only thing left to do is to confess the sinful behavior to the one who sees our sin—and our defense of it—and loves us anyway. We can find freedom when we seek both God’s forgiveness and his help to break any harmful patterns (Psalm 32:5; Proverbs 28:13; Romans 2:4; 1 John 1:9).
Look to Christ as our example. Jesus Christ was completely innocent, yet when falsely accused by men, even to the point of death, he did not jump to his own defense. He knew that God would reveal the truth in his perfect timing. We can trust God as our ultimate defender if indeed we are falsely accused (Exodus 14:14; Psalm 28:7; Isaiah 53:6-7; 1 Peter 2:23).
True humility means being open to correction, trusting God to refine us through His Word and the body of Christ, and rejecting the natural tendency to justify or protect ourselves. - Mack Tomlinson
If I’m honest, there are still times when my husband gives me the signal across the room that I’m interrupting, and I feel my defenses go up. But then I remember that if I truly long to be Christ-like, I can receive this feedback as an opportunity for growth—and an opportunity to give thanks for God's grace.
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:24-25
